Last Sunday, August 30, was officially the one year mark of my father's death. It was also the day I turned 21, as well as the day I moved into my Junior year of college. All of these would be emotional mile markers in one way or another, but when you combine them they all change meaning. In fact, I had no emotion the whole day. I couldn't push myself to be happy, it felt forced and inappropriate. But I also wasn't sad, I didn't cry once. I cry all the time at the littlest of things, so how come on what should have been the most emotional day of my life I couldn't get myself to cry? It felt like the right thing to do, but I couldn't even do that right.
I also realize that to all of you as readers, I sound kind of annoying and like I'm complaining; that is not the purpose of this post at all. In all honesty, I asked my dad to die on my birthday. As I've mentioned before, I think the most important days on the souls journey is the day that we enter this life and the day that we move onto the next one, and I am so grateful to share that with my dad. I just figured after a year I would have figured out what I would have wanted to do to commemorate that. Then the day arrives and my mind went blank.
You know who I felt sorry for? My friends. They had no idea how to react towards the day. I could tell that they were all looking at me funny, and trying to filter everything, afraid that they might say something to upset me. And then, on top of that, my twisted humor started to kick in. For instance I would say, "Will one of you grab my phone charger, my dad is dead and it's my birthday." or "Hey mom, please don't die today, I already lost one parent on my birthday." I know, I know, it's really messed up but it was the only way I could acknowledge what was really going on.
And then, 8:30pm rolls around. I am in my friends apartment listening to music when the one and only Wildflowers, by Tom Petty starts playing. For those of you that don't know, my dad and I decided my freshman year when we were on one of our drives that this was the song we were going to dance to at my wedding one day. I teared up a little bit, not because I was sad or anything, but because I think it was exactly what I had been waiting for all day. I didn't know if this was some sign that he was there with me, or if it was just a song that would trigger my emotions. But, sitting around the living room with my friends in silence, listening to the lyrics, and remembering a certain car ride I had with my dad was the best way I could have imagined to spend my birthday.
No comments:
Post a Comment