What a difference a year can make. At this time last year I had finished up Staff Training week at camp. I was feeling torn not just on where I should spend my summer, but also on what my priorities should be. Should I stay at camp, not knowing if I could push my own issues aside in order to be the role model I am supposed to be as a camp counselor, or should I stay at home and take care of my Dad?
I decided to stay at camp because I thought it would be the perfect distraction. It did prove to be the distraction I needed at the beginning, but summer would soon come to an end and so would my father's life. I was able to leave camp when I needed to visit him in the hospital, or just be home with my mom for emotional support. It sucked though, never feeling like I was completely settled in one place. When I was home I wanted to be at camp, and when I was at camp I wanted to be home.
The hardest part of being away from home were the phone calls. My dad would call me in the middle of the night; tears, regret, and disappointment in his voice made for long nights without very much sleep, and days filled with exhaustion. He would make me feel guilty for being at camp as opposed to being home with him, and that guilt ate away at me every day. My mom and I made a promise when I was younger that no matter where I was, or what time of the day it was, that she would call me if anything went wrong, and a lot went wrong. Therefore, lots of calls were filled with medical talk, anger, and fatigue, and not very many were joyful.
It wasn't all bad though, I had some great people supporting me. My co-counselor was fabulous and was able to read my emotions before I could even comprehend what they were. My campers always put a smile on my face no matter how depressing my days were. And my family was there to talk to when I needed someone that could understand the pressure that I was feeling. Camp Rotary isn't just a place, it is a home, and what a big family I have there.
This past week we had a training exercise where we went around and said what camp meant to us, and one of my co workers put it perfectly; "Camp is a place where you can go to spend time with 250 of your best friends, and no matter how old that friend may be, whether they are 7 or 27, they will impact your life and teach you life long lessons that will better you as a person." I learned more last summer than I had ever learned in any class I have ever taken. I learned that it is okay to show my emotions no matter what they may be, it is okay to ask for help, and no matter what, it is okay to fail. There were some situations where I wasn't in the right emotional state to handle them, and I couldn't reach every camper, but I everyday I gave it my best and I think in the end I did a darn good job.
My dad died exactly one week after camp ended. That week was weird, uncomfortable, and overall a blur. But the last words he said to me, even though they were slurred they were powerful as he said, "I love you."
I love you too, dad.
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