I have had a set plan in my head of what my life was going to look like and where I was going to go. I was going to go to school in Vermont, study in Italy for a semester, and become a kick-ass History teacher in a prep-school. After spending some time with my counselor, advisor, and of course the best accountant in the world, I discovered that the path I thought was meant for me, was actually the wrong one. Much of the past week has been devoted to discovering who I really am as a person and what I really want to do with my life.
I have been dealing with a lot of self-loathing for years now, however I have been pushing those feeling way down in order to stay strong for those around me. When my father became very sick last January, it was the only thing we talked about as a family. Including myself, his illness became the only thing everyone worried about. After articulating this, I now realize that I must not only be honest with those around me, but also with myself. I have been lying for years, putting on a face of happiness and humor. I'm not saying that I have been miserable; in fact, I have had a lot of fun and met some of my best friends in this time, I just know that I am not as happy as I can be.
Personal health has always been at the root of all of my problems and my unhappiness. It leaves me feeling self conscious, ugly, and tired. I hate knowing that I take up nearly double the surface area of those around me and that I bump into objects when I try to make my way through a crowd. Although, I did have a taste of the “skinny life” my freshman year of high school. However, due to my addiction to food I have slipped right back to where I previously was. I used to play tennis competitively, I was on the soccer team, and I loved to dance around with my friends. Now, I feel like I am incapable of any of those things. I am ashamed when I can't keep up with my friends. I have always wanted to change my lifestyle and I knew it was something that I needed to do, but for some reason I could never get myself to actually go through with it... until now...
Thankfully, I am changing my life. I have just signed up for a weight loss program in California where I will be attending for my Spring Semester of my Junior year rather than going abroad. I will use this time to take hold of my addiction; I will learn healthier habits and be active for the majority of the day. In order to keep up with my schoolwork, I am going to take a couple online classes. I also dropped my education major and am instead pursuing a minor in the topic.
I look back at how my father lived his life; he was unhealthy. This didn't just affect him, it affected everyone around him. Because he was hurt, we all were hurt. I love my father, but I don't want to pursue the same unhealthy lifestyle that he had. I had to become a caretaker at a very young age; through it all, using food as my comfort. Now I must take my life into my own hands, and I would like to thank everyone who has helped me come to this realization.
“If you don’t change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” -Buddha
