September: Anger. I was angry for the first month. First of all, for those of you who never knew my Dad, he was a hoarder as well as a hider. He collected a variety of clothing, jewelry, car models, and other paraphernalia that I feel should not be exposed to you as a reader. As we packed up his belongings, box by box, we discovered a series of belongings that we never knew he had. It unraveled a part of his past that he kept from us, this made us all very bitter, my mother especially.
October: Jealousy. Whenever I hear my friends talk about their father's I am not only jealous of the fact that they still have them alive, but also that they all seem so healthy. They speak of the 5k races and how their fathers go to work everyday. It hurts knowing that my Dad was like that at one point, I just never got to meet that version of Andy. The chef, the athlete, and the adventurist.
November: Reflection. I look back at my memories with my Dad, and while some of them were traumatizing, I wouldn't trade any of them for anything else. Yes, it sucked having to feed my father medicine through an IV, and I hated having to calm him down after he would get worked up over something stupid, but he made me who I am today. He was a clown, full of humor and personality. He would help anyone in time of need and had a heart of gold. He truly loved his family, and he taught me that no matter what there would be a big jolly fat guy smiling down at me, he called him Buddha, I call him Dad.
December: Family. My Mom, Brother, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Sarah. Without the support and love from my family I don't know how I would have gotten through this difficult part of my life. I have always been close with my Mom's side, we spend every holiday together and I can honestly say that my cousins are some of my best friends (Hi Caroline and Grace)! But as sucky as this tragedy has been, I have really grown closer to my Father's side as well. They have not only taught me so much about how to be a stronger woman, but they also have told me stories of my Dad when he was younger. It puts a smile on my face to know that even though I lost my last physical connection to them, they still treat me with the love and comfort a family brings.
January: Letting go. Whether it be from throwing a symbolic golf ball into the oceans of Hawaii, or releasing the negative energy to create space for something more beautiful, I have discovered that I will always have my Dad with me in some way or another. I was afraid for a while that if I said "goodbye," that would mean that I let go of him completely. That is not the case, I still feel his energy with me and his hands on my shoulders. I have voicemails dating back a few years and his voice is what keeps me going every day. I no longer hold onto all of the "could have beens." Instead, I have come to realize that life throws you shit, and there is nothing you can do but play with the cards you were dealt.
February: Moving forward. I love my Dad, he was and will continue to be my best friend and nothing will ever change that. I know that this has all been a learning process, and trust me, I have learned a lot. When I think about the future it scares me, knowing that I won't be able to pick up the phone and call my Dad for advice, or watch stupid shows like Family Feud or Jeopardy with him to distract me from my issues, but I think I will be okay. I have a great support system of friends and family that are there when I need them and a future of challenges that I cannot wait to come across. He will always be with me, and instead of dwelling on the past, why not look forward to whats to come? I can look back at all of the lessons he has taught me and relate them to my future. The most important: Laugh it off.
