2014 sucked. There was a lot of pain, anger, grief, and a plethora of other emotions that when mixed together added up to be quite depressing. Although I knew that the possibility of my father's death could occur this year, I never knew how to prepare for it. I thought I knew exactly what I was going to say, how my grieving process was going to be, and who I would turn to for support. Nothing happened the way I thought it would; my father didn't die at home, when the time came to say goodbye I was speechless, I barely cried the week he passed, and I found that I enjoyed being by myself rather than with a bunch of people.
People always use this time of year as an excuse to make a change in their life and to create unrealistic resolutions, my goal is to stay clear of this. Contrary to making a resolution I decided to create a list of things to be grateful for because you never know what the year will end up bringing.
My Mother
I have said it before and I will say it again, she is the most humble human with a heart of gold.
My Brother
Although we sometimes clash, I am so proud of him and love him infinite amounts.
My Father
He passed away, but the lessons he has taught me and the memories we shared will last a life time.
My Friends
You know who your are and why I appreciate all of you.
My Cousins
Thanks for being the biggest goof balls ever.
My Pets
Benson, Bill, and Gertrude... you are the best medicine and snuggle buddies anyone could ever ask for.
Food & Red Wine
I love you.
Also, all of my sentimental items... I do not feel the need to share those with you but they mean the world to me.
This year focus on those close to you.
Have a happy, safe, and healthy 2015!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Even My Dad Does Sometimes
This song got me through a lot of my Dad's death, I hope someone out there can relate. It explains not only what he was feeling but also how I was feeling through it all...
"Even My Dad Does Sometimes"
Ed Sheeran
It's alright to cry
Even my dad does sometimes
So don't wipe your eyes
Tears remind you you're alive
It's alright to die
'Cause death's the only thing you haven't tried
But just for tonight hold on
So live life like you're giving up
'Cause you act like you are
Go ahead and just live it up
Go on and tear me apart
It's alright to shake
Even my hand does sometimes
So inside the rage
Against the dying of the light
It's alright to say that death's the only thing you haven't tried
But just for today hold on
So live life like you're giving up
'Cause you act like you are
Go ahead and just live it up
Go on and tear me apart hold on
Live life like you're giving up
'Cause you act like you are
Go ahead and just live it up
Go on and tear me apart hold on
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Unconventional
I think what I love the most about the relationship between my Mom and Dad is that it was the kind of relationship that no one besides them could ever understand. It certainly wasn't anything out of a fairytale, but it also wasn't anything to be ashamed of. They loved each other, and no one could deny that. If everything happens for a reason, then there was a pretty significant reason why these two love birds met. I can say with confidence that no one on this planet has the strength of my mom. When I say she will love a person through everything, no matter what, I'm not kidding. She could have easily walked away from the situation, instead she helped him through everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. My father was so sick for the majority of my life so it was up to my mother to raise my brother and myself. Through all of this, she has never asked for recognition, she just did it. Honestly she deserves an award for being such an outstanding mother and wife.
My brother and my Dad had one of the most bizarre relationships; it consisted of laughter, frustration, and tons of emotion. I truly believe that the reason their relationship was this way was because my brother is so perfect, and I mean that! He is the perfect human being that nearly everyone would be jealous of. He is in great shape, knows what he wants in life, and more importantly he knows what he doesn't want in life. I look at pictures of my Dad from when he was in his twenties, and damn was he nothing but the identical resemblance of my brother today. This scared Aj because it meant that he could easily become as sick as my father was if he wasn't careful. I think my Dad was jealous of Aj, and that is why they fought so much. However, I was always jealous of the two of them. They could argue and fight for long periods of time, but then at the end of the night they would be best friends again. The conversations that they would have are a special little secret that Aj has to hold onto for the rest of his life, what a gift.
My relationship with my father was prefect. Not trying to sound conceded, but I was the epitome of a "Daddy's Girl." He spoiled me with his love, and never got angry with me. His patience was always on thin ice, but with me he was able to relax and be himself. We were weird and spunky; one would never get embarrassed by the other. I get my goofiness from him, so thank you for that Dad. I will never forget the day that the doctors told him that he would be starting Hospice, he lost all hope and finally realized that his end was near. As I got off the elevator at the hospital I could hear the wails coming from his room and the voice of my mom trying to calm him down. When I walked in I witnessed the most upset my father had ever been in his life. He wouldn't let anyone touch him, but as I approached him, he let him arms out for me to hold him. He was in my arms, shaking and making noises that I didn't know were humanly possible. After a few minutes he finally calmed down. As selfish as this may sound, I would like to take credit for that.
This leads me to his burial. Some people were upset that they weren't invited, but sorry folks, this was supposed to be private and you're going to have to get over it. From what I explained above, you can see that the three of us were the closest people my Dad had in his life. So, instead of having a bunch of random people there we decided to keep it small. Just the three of us for one last family fist bump. No one came and spoke, it was just us three speaking from our hearts. That is something we can hold onto forever that no one can take away from us.
Who cares if it was a bit unconventional? Unconventional is what our family is all about.
My brother and my Dad had one of the most bizarre relationships; it consisted of laughter, frustration, and tons of emotion. I truly believe that the reason their relationship was this way was because my brother is so perfect, and I mean that! He is the perfect human being that nearly everyone would be jealous of. He is in great shape, knows what he wants in life, and more importantly he knows what he doesn't want in life. I look at pictures of my Dad from when he was in his twenties, and damn was he nothing but the identical resemblance of my brother today. This scared Aj because it meant that he could easily become as sick as my father was if he wasn't careful. I think my Dad was jealous of Aj, and that is why they fought so much. However, I was always jealous of the two of them. They could argue and fight for long periods of time, but then at the end of the night they would be best friends again. The conversations that they would have are a special little secret that Aj has to hold onto for the rest of his life, what a gift.
My relationship with my father was prefect. Not trying to sound conceded, but I was the epitome of a "Daddy's Girl." He spoiled me with his love, and never got angry with me. His patience was always on thin ice, but with me he was able to relax and be himself. We were weird and spunky; one would never get embarrassed by the other. I get my goofiness from him, so thank you for that Dad. I will never forget the day that the doctors told him that he would be starting Hospice, he lost all hope and finally realized that his end was near. As I got off the elevator at the hospital I could hear the wails coming from his room and the voice of my mom trying to calm him down. When I walked in I witnessed the most upset my father had ever been in his life. He wouldn't let anyone touch him, but as I approached him, he let him arms out for me to hold him. He was in my arms, shaking and making noises that I didn't know were humanly possible. After a few minutes he finally calmed down. As selfish as this may sound, I would like to take credit for that.
This leads me to his burial. Some people were upset that they weren't invited, but sorry folks, this was supposed to be private and you're going to have to get over it. From what I explained above, you can see that the three of us were the closest people my Dad had in his life. So, instead of having a bunch of random people there we decided to keep it small. Just the three of us for one last family fist bump. No one came and spoke, it was just us three speaking from our hearts. That is something we can hold onto forever that no one can take away from us.
Who cares if it was a bit unconventional? Unconventional is what our family is all about.
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