Wrapping up the year

2014 sucked. There was a lot of pain, anger, grief, and a plethora of other emotions that when mixed together added up to be quite depressing. Although I knew that the possibility of my father's death could occur this year, I never knew how to prepare for it. I thought I knew exactly what I was going to say, how my grieving process was going to be, and who I would turn to for support. Nothing happened the way I thought it would; my father didn't die at home, when the time came to say goodbye I was speechless, I barely cried the week he passed, and I found that I enjoyed being by myself rather than with a bunch of people.

People always use this time of year as an excuse to make a change in their life and to create unrealistic resolutions, my goal is to stay clear of this. Contrary to making a resolution I decided to create a list of things to be grateful for because you never know what the year will end up bringing.

My Mother
I have said it before and I will say it again, she is the most humble human with a heart of gold.

My Brother
Although we sometimes clash, I am so proud of him and love him infinite amounts.

My Father
He passed away, but the lessons he has taught me and the memories we shared will last a life time.

My Friends
You know who your are and why I appreciate all of you.

My Cousins
Thanks for being the biggest goof balls ever.

My Pets
Benson, Bill, and Gertrude... you are the best medicine and snuggle buddies anyone could ever ask for.

Food & Red Wine
I love you.

Also, all of my sentimental items... I do not feel the need to share those with you but they mean the world to me.

This year focus on those close to you.
Have a happy, safe, and healthy 2015!

Even My Dad Does Sometimes

This song got me through a lot of my Dad's death, I hope someone out there can relate. It explains not only what he was feeling but also how I was feeling through it all... 

"Even My Dad Does Sometimes"

  Ed Sheeran 

It's alright to cry

Even my dad does sometimes

So don't wipe your eyes

Tears remind you you're alive

It's alright to die

'Cause death's the only thing you haven't tried

But just for tonight hold on

So live life like you're giving up

'Cause you act like you are

Go ahead and just live it up

Go on and tear me apart

It's alright to shake

Even my hand does sometimes

So inside the rage

Against the dying of the light

It's alright to say that death's the only thing you haven't tried

But just for today hold on

So live life like you're giving up

'Cause you act like you are

Go ahead and just live it up

Go on and tear me apart hold on

Live life like you're giving up

'Cause you act like you are

Go ahead and just live it up

Go on and tear me apart hold on

Unconventional

I think what I love the most about the relationship between my Mom and Dad is that it was the kind of relationship that no one besides them could ever understand. It certainly wasn't anything out of a fairytale, but it also wasn't anything to be ashamed of. They loved each other, and no one could deny that. If everything happens for a reason, then there was a pretty significant reason why these two love birds met. I can say with confidence that no one on this planet has the strength of my mom. When I say she will love a person through everything, no matter what, I'm not kidding. She could have easily walked away from the situation, instead she helped him through everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. My father was so sick for the majority of my life so it was up to my mother to raise my brother and myself. Through all of this, she has never asked for recognition, she just did it. Honestly she deserves an award for being such an outstanding mother and wife.

My brother and my Dad had one of the most bizarre relationships; it consisted of laughter, frustration, and tons of emotion. I truly believe that the reason their relationship was this way was because my brother is so perfect, and I mean that! He is the perfect human being that nearly everyone would be jealous of. He is in great shape, knows what he wants in life, and more importantly he knows what he doesn't want in life. I look at pictures of my Dad from when he was in his twenties, and damn was he nothing but the identical resemblance of my brother today. This scared Aj because it meant that he could easily become as sick as my father was if he wasn't careful. I think my Dad was jealous of Aj, and that is why they fought so much. However, I was always jealous of the two of them. They could argue and fight for long periods of time, but then at the end of the night they would be best friends again. The conversations that they would have are a special little secret that Aj has to hold onto for the rest of his life, what a gift.

My relationship with my father was prefect. Not trying to sound conceded, but I was the epitome of a "Daddy's Girl." He spoiled me with his love, and never got angry with me. His patience was always on thin ice, but with me he was able to relax and be himself. We were weird and spunky; one would never get embarrassed by the other. I get my goofiness from him, so thank you for that Dad. I will never forget the day that the doctors told him that he would be starting Hospice, he lost all hope and finally realized that his end was near. As I got off the elevator at the hospital I could hear the wails coming from his room and the voice of my mom trying to calm him down. When I walked in I witnessed the most upset my father had ever been in his life. He wouldn't let anyone touch him, but as I approached him, he let him arms out for me to hold him. He was in my arms, shaking and making noises that I didn't know were humanly possible. After a few minutes he finally calmed down. As selfish as this may sound, I would like to take credit for that.

This leads me to his burial. Some people were upset that they weren't invited, but sorry folks, this was supposed to be private and you're going to have to get over it. From what I explained above, you can see that the three of us were the closest people my Dad had in his life. So, instead of having a bunch of random people there we decided to keep it small. Just the three of us for one last family fist bump. No one came and spoke, it was just us three speaking from our hearts. That is something we can hold onto forever that no one can take away from us.

Who cares if it was a bit unconventional? Unconventional is what our family is all about.

Exit 12

Whether or not someone knew my father, most people are aware of the fact that he was a car enthusiast. Between my brother and my Dad there was no escaping "car talk." Hearing a mixture of letters and numbers in conversation usually meant they were talking about different car models. It was like their own language that my mother and I were never able to unscramble.

One car that I will always hold close to my heart couldn't even be considered a car. But rather, it was a very large truck that I always needed a boost just to get in.This car, a white Ford F350, was the car I learned to drive in. After breaking into the dump at night, we switched seats and he would let me take the lead. We did laps, figure eights, parking, reversing, and anything else we could come up with that would make me a better driver. He never yelled at me when we were driving and his calm tone was exactly what I needed whenever I got nervous.

"Drop your shoulders," he would say.

This is all I needed to hear in order to turn a nerve racking situation into a learning experience.

One day, my Dad decided I was ready to take my skills to the streets. Let me inform you, I didn't have my permit and the car I was driving for this lesson was a brand new Mercedes G55. I thought I was just going to pull out, take a right, and drive the two minutes it takes to get home. Instead he told me to take a left, out of town, into an intersection, onto the highway (Route 128), around two busy rotaries, and eventually off exit 12.

Unfortunately, I was unaware that in order to get onto an off ramp you have to slow down, like way down. While I was quickly approaching the giant green sign that indicates the exit, my father spoke the words that he knew I needed to hear, "drop your shoulders." I took a deep breath and turned just in time to avoid an accident.

All I wanted to do was give up but my Dad wouldn't let me. He made me drive all the way home.

Moral of the story... Don't let a girl without her permit drive an unregistered vehicle. And always,
drop your shoulders.

I would like to thank my brother AJ, for sharing some of their secret language with me.
Just some of the cars he has collected over the years:
BMW M Coupe
BMW M5

BMW Alpina B7

Land Rover Defender ‘98

Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera

Mercedes S550

Mercedes CLS55 AMG

Two Mercedes G55 AMG’s

Mercedes E63 AMG Wagon

Mercedes E55 AMG Wagon

Dodge SRT 10 Viper

Three Porsche Cayenne Turbo’s

Porsche Carrera RS

Porsche GT3

Porsche 911 Turbo

Porsche Junior Tractor

Three Porsche 356’s

Porsche Speedster

Audi RS4

Ford F350

8.30

This past August my Dad passed away on my birthday. Everyone expects me to be sad and depressed, but truthfully I found the whole thing to be quite beautiful. I believe that the most important days in a persons life are the day they were born and the day they die. To be able to say that I get to share that with my Dad is something that not many people can say they have.

August 30, 2014 is now our day.

To rewind a little bit, he had been sick for the last 14 years of my life. After his mother passed away he was soon diagnosed with Hepatitis C and later Type Two Diabetes, this is not a mix that anyone should have to live with. However, there were times when I would forget how sick he really was. We would go on rides up and down the coast of Cape Ann, have Sunday morning brunches at the local diner, and he was even the loudest parent at all of my youth soccer games. But then certain instances would occur and he would have a seizure, or he would be too sick to go to brunch, and the father daughter dates became a lot more spread out, until they just kind of stopped. As time went on and I started to grow up and realize the severity of his illnesses, I realized that those promises he was making about going to the movies or taking the family out to dinner were normally empty and they would never actually happen. Not being able to trust the words that come out of the most important person in your life’s mouth was hard to grasp; especially when you don’t want the reality of the situation to be the reason behind it.

I went away to boarding school for my junior and senior years of High School, and now I am currently in my sophomore year of college. I knew that at any moment I could get the call saying that my Dad passed away in his sleep, or that he did something to endanger those around him, aka my mother. Luckily, I never had to be on the receiving end of that phone conversation because the day he passed away was the Saturday I was supposed to move into college.

That whole week he had been in the Hospice House, where they were giving him the treatment that my family could no longer give him.

“You guys just ran 90% of this marathon, now let us finish it so you can be the wife, daughter, and son that you deserve to be.” The nurse that said those words was the nurse that made me take a step back and realize that I’m not a caretaker. I’m a daughter who has no skills in the field of nursing, I just did what I had to do to make him more comfortable.

The day before my father died, my uncle and I drove all of my dorm stuff up to school. One of my main concerns was that I didn’t want to have to come back up to school and decorate after the fact. When we were done and heading back to the car I received a call from my mom telling me that my brother Aj and his girlfriend Sarah were on the way home from North Carolina. She said that tonight will probably be the night. The night that my Dad was going to pass away.

At about 8:30pm all of us were standing around him, saying what we thought were our last words to the man that I called Dad.

He died at 7:45pm the next day.